


Nameless

by sheerrloockk (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Hogwarts Seventh Year, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5737549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sheerrloockk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius wakes up every night at about three in the morning for weeks. After a night in the Hospital Wing, he sets out to figure out why he continuously wakes up with a strange, uncomfortable feeling, and what Remus has to do with it.</p>
<p>Moved over from ff.net. Originally written in 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nameless

_Nameless_

Sirius woke in the middle of the night, with the inherent feeling that something was different. It was a strange feeling, not exactly _wrong_ , just different. There was no push to get up and _do_ anything, he just felt like there was something different going on… somewhere. He lay in his bed, staring up at the canopy of his four-poster, trying to figure out what was so different about his room or himself or Hogwarts or his friends that would cause him to wake up at nearly three in the morning for two weeks straight.

Sirius had generally decided not to bring it up to his friends – not until it got to be serious, like if he started squawking at random intervals or grew webbed feet or something uncomfortable like that.

On one particularly horrible Monday morning, Sirius looked at himself in the mirror with distaste. Sirius knew he was an attractive guy. The girls fawned over him, but he mostly just found that annoying. Every now and then there was one that was prettier than most, so he took her out a few times, but generally got bored after a few weeks. He wasn't a serious dater, nor a casual one. He just wanted to live his life the way he wanted to, and he thought that that wasn't too much to ask for.

And right now, he wanted to sleep through one bloody night without waking up at three in the morning with that awkward feeling! He glowered at the mirror. He was scraggily, and there were awful purple circles beneath his eyes. His hair, though washed, looked limp and lifeless. His reflection looked exhausted and irritated. He felt absolutely terrible.

He was getting up later and later every day. He was almost late to Potions twice, but luckily Slughorn didn't seem to particularly care since his homework was always done and he managed to concoct all the potions in class with flying colors (sometimes literally). He got a funny look from James on both of these occasions, but he just shrugged them off. It wasn't like he skipped class to sleep or anything. He was being fairly responsible, and James, as Head Boy, should've loved that to bits.

This particularly horrible Monday, Sirius got up exactly three minutes later than he had on the previous Friday. He stumbled out of bed after Peter, which was practically unheard of. He threw some water on his face, quickly brushed his teeth, haphazardly threw his robes on, and hurried down to breakfast. He managed to get there before James, Remus, and Peter had left.

"Blimey, Sirius," said James. "You look like hell." Sirius just muttered a noncommittal response, knowing full well that he looked like hell. He dully noted that James gave Remus a confused look, and Remus shrugged in response. Then Sirius noticed that Remus looked rather tired as well. Nowhere near as bad as Sirius, but there were small purple bags under Remus's eyes as well. Sirius stared at Remus for a moment, trying to focus on his appearance, trying to notice things that were similar to Sirius's own predicament.

"What is it, Sirius?" asked Remus, confused. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Ugh, nothing," grunted Sirius, turning back to his nearly empty plate of food. Sirius had also lost most of his appetite during this whole problem, and he absolutely hated it. But he couldn't force any more food down.

After breakfast, Sirius stumbled along behind the other three Marauders on their way to Transfiguration. He had a feeling like James and Remus were talking about him, but he was getting too tired to really care.

" – looks so tired – "

" – eats a lot less than usual – "

" – never wants to play Quidditch with me – "

" – all the time now – "

" – don't think he's alright – "

Sirius ignored them. He was too exhausted.

For the first time since beginning his seventh year at Hogwarts, Sirius fell asleep in a class that was not taught by Professor Binns, with his terribly boring, wheezy ghost-voice. James prodded Sirius awake before McGonagall managed to notice, and Sirius thanked him earnestly, because he couldn't handle a detention at the moment.

He needed some _sleep_.

After Transfiguration, Sirius planned on heading back to the Great Hall for a bite of something before Herbology, but before he got ten steps outside of McGonagall's classroom, he felt a vice-like grip on his upper arm.

"Ah!" he winced, looking at James with annoyance. "What is that for?"

"Come on, Sirius," said James, shoving Sirius along ahead of him. "I'm finding out what's wrong with you."

"We," corrected Remus, who followed them, along with Peter.

"This is a Marauder Intervention," said Peter seriously.

"Oh, you've got to be joking," growled Sirius, rolling his eyes and James shoved him into an empty classroom.

"Not joking," said James. "You look like the walking dead. You haven't been eating. You hardly ever talk anymore and you never want to play Quidditch or prank anybody."

"Shouldn't you be doing cartwheels for that last one?" asked Sirius.

"What's wrong?" asked Remus gently. "Really, we're getting worried."

"Nothing's wrong," said Sirius. "I just can't _sleep_ anymore!" James rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Don't _lie_ , Sirius," he said angrily. "We'll take you to Madame Pomfrey if we have to."

"Please do!" said Sirius, jumping up happily. "Merlin, how didn't I think of that? I'm so bloody tired, I guess. Can we go now? She'll have a Dreamless Sleep Potion, and then I'll be able to get some sleep for once!"

"Wait, what?" asked James.

"I. Can't. Sleep," said Sirius, enunciating each word. "Merlin and Morgana, why would I lie to you about something that stupid?"

"Why can't you sleep?" asked Remus.

"I dunno," said Sirius. "I just wake up every night, usually sometime between two and four in the morning, and I get this creepy feeling that something's… off."

"Wrong?"

"No, just different," he said. "It's weird. If it were wrong, I'd feel compelled to get up, yeah? But there's nothing. It's like I just know something, but it's just out of my reach. On the tip of my tongue, sort of thing. It always feels like something's off about the room, but once or twice I looked out between my curtains, and everything looked normal."

"That's bloody weird," said James.

"Agreed," said Peter. "We should probably get Pads to the hospital wing though, if he thinks he needs it. And we don't want him to collapse on the way there, either, do we?"

"Good thinking, Pete," said James, clapping him on the shoulder. "Well, let's go, Sirius. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

"S'fine," said Sirius. "It's pretty dumb. I probably wouldn't have believed it if it was you." James chuckled, but Remus looked away, almost self-consciously. Sirius was too tired to give it much thought, and yawned deeply. "C'mon, let's go."

The four Marauders trudged up to the Hospital Wing, told Madame Pomfrey the problem, and they laid Sirius down for a nap.

"So, Mr. Black," said Madame Pomfrey briskly, "do you know why you cannot sleep throughout the night?"

"Not exactly," said Sirius sleepily. He was completely comfortable in this bed, with its fluffy pillows and soft mattress. "I always wake up in the middle of the night around the same time, and something feels off. It's a bit of -" he yawned hugely, and his eyes began to droop down "-an uncomfortable feeling…" He trailed off, falling asleep almost immediately.

"Well, he certain wasn't fibbing. He didn't even stay awake for the Dreamless Sleep Potion!" said Madame Pomfrey. "We'll see how he is when he wakes up. You three get to your classes. Chop, chop!"

Dully, in Sirius' sleep-deprived mind, colors and images were swirling and morphing into dreams. Several dreams per second, really, but the only one that truly mattered was the one Sirius had only a vague feeling for when he awoke the next day.

"UGH!" Madame Pomfrey came bustling toward him as he gave the sound of frustration.

"What is it?" she asked. "Come, come, what hurts?"

"Nothing," said Sirius. "I had a dream, and it was important! It explained why I keep waking up!"

"And how do you know that?" asked Madame Pomfrey, laughing. She clearly did not understand, and Sirius scowled.

"I _know_ because I woke up with the same feeling I wake up with every night!" he snarled. "Why else would I have slept so well, but still woken up with that feeling? My mind is trying to tell me something…" He trailed off.

"Well, I suggest you tell yourself then, dear," said Madame Pomfrey. "In the meantime, I suggest you get yourself some lunch, then head to your afternoon classes. It's noon, and lunch just began. If you have any more trouble sleeping, you come right back, understood?"

Sirius agreed, and hurried along to lunch. "Hey," he gasped as he sat down with the Marauders.

"Did you just get up?" asked Remus incredulously.

"Yeah, why?"

"It's been almost an entire day!" said Remus. "You needed that much sleep catch up?"

"I told you, it's been weeks!" said Sirius. "But I have this theory. I had a weird dream while I was asleep in the Hospital Wing, but I don't remember it. I woke up with that weird feeling though, so I think my subconscious knows what's wrong, but _I_ don't."

Peter and James laughed, but Remus just looked away again.

"Wh-What?" asked James, clutching his stomach. "That sounds like pure Divination crap! Professor Mulstone would be so proud that Black _can_ actually See!"

"Shut up," said Sirius, growling and stabbing a potato, which began slicing itself in French fries before their eyes. "I'm _serious_."

"We know." James waggled his eyebrows and Sirius growled at the pun.

"I hate you," Sirius seethed. "I'm _not joking_. I really think there's something to know, but I just don't know what it is consciously!" James and Peter just kept laughing, but Remus said nothing. Sirius needed some backup. "Remus, what do _you_ think?"

Remus looked surprised, as though a teacher had called on him when his hand hadn't been raised.

"Well?" asked James pointedly, still chuckling.

"I think… that it's possible," said Remus. "I mean, there are things that the wolf knows that I don't, but it's inside my mind, because we share a mind and body. So, I wouldn't be surprised if something similar was happening with Sirius. Maybe you should trying figuring it out as Padfoot. It might be a concept you can't really put into words as a human."

Sirius stared at Remus, dumbfounded. "Remus!" he said, grinning from ear to ear and standing, pulling Remus with him. "That was bloody fantastic advice! Come here, you!" He pulled Remus into a tight hug, and Remus squeaked in surprise.

 

//

 

That evening, after classes, Sirius borrowed James' Invisibility Cloak and hurried out to the Shack. He'd never been there for any reason besides to help Remus, but as he looked around the walls of the shabby little place, he felt a little better. The place wasn't great, but Sirius felt rather comforted by the messy surroundings. As he morphed into the animal, the browns and reds of the dirt and dust faded to greys, as color was sapped from the world around him.

And suddenly, everything was far less complex. Facts were facts, opinions were opinions, and knowledge was simple. People thought a certain way, and dogs thought a certain way. Sometimes, Sirius completely preferred the thought process of Padfoot, and this was one of those times. Padfoot reached into Sirius' memories, trying to comprehend the feeling that Sirius awoke with so many times.

_Confusion, loss, worry, incompleteness._

These were the words in human that best described the feeling. Padfoot contemplated and paced about the Shrieking Shack. Sirius was very worried about the feeling he kept experiencing, but rarely analyzed it. Padfoot wasn't very good at analyzing either, though. Sirius wanted Padfoot to figure out the big picture, but Sirius already had the big picture.

Sirius woke, and felt strange – a nameless emotion that was highly uncomfortable, especially in the middle of the night.

Padfoot, for himself, could not quite touch this emotion – it was too human, too complicated. As Padfoot thought long and hard about what this strange emotion could mean, he decided that it only meant something in reference to something else. Something was missing when Sirius awoke, so that was why he felt loss and incompleteness, and therefore confusion and worry, all meshed into one, bizarre emotion.

When Sirius woke up, something was missing. But later, when Sirius actually _got_ up to go to class, whatever was missing would be back. Every single time. So Sirius needed to get up and find out what was missing instead of going back to sleep.

As this realization came upon him, Padfoot changed back into Sirius, who felt a little frustrated. All Padfoot could say was, "Get up and look around"? He sighed, frustrated. He would take Padfoot's advice, of course, but he had no idea how it would work. He hurried back up to the castle, so he could get to sleep early, to get more sleep before waking up so early.

Sure enough, Sirius was shocked awake into complete darkness. He had had the same dream that he had in the Hospital Wing, he was sure, but he still could not remember it. All he knew was that Remus had appeared in it, one of those times he had looked away, as though he were responsible for something.

Sirius lay there for a moment, exhausted. He thought about rolling over and going back to sleep and figuring everything out the next night, but he knew that would only make him even more tired. He groaned as he sat up. He wrenched open his four-poster's hangings, and took a good look around the room. Nothing was amiss.

He stood, not giving up that easily. He strode around the room, looking on tabletops and in trunks, as quietly as possible. He peeked between the hangings of James' bed. He was drooling on his pillow. Sirius rolled his eyes, and snuck a look between Peter's hangings. Peter was also fast asleep. Finally, Sirius went to Remus' bed. He opened the curtains just a tiny bit to see an empty bed. He ripped the curtains back completely, perhaps expecting to see Remus oddly curled in a ball at the end of his bed, or doing some other strange thing in his sleep. But Remus was not in bed.

He looked around the room again. Remus was not standing in a shadowy corner with a large knife, dripping blood. Remus was not hiding underneath anyone's bed. Remus was not in the bathroom. Sirius looked at the door that went outside to a balcony for the Seventh Years. He pushed it open and felt a blast of freezing cold air.

The balcony itself was a grey stone, like the rest of the castle. It wasn't particularly wide, and the block that kept people from falling off (besides magic) came up to a little above Sirius' waist. There was another door down on the right that led to the girl's dormitory. It was the only foolproof way Sirius knew of to get into the Gryffindor girl's dormitory. He had used it occasionally in younger years, (something of which he was very proud) but found access to it blocked by a young man with brown hair flecked with premature grey and amber eyes. Remus was out here, in the freezing cold, at three in the morning, looking out over the grounds of Hogwarts, alone.

"What are you doing out here?" asked Sirius.

"Thinking," said Remus. It was impossible to startle Remus, with his werewolf hearing and smell.

"About what?" snarled Sirius, now annoyed. "What can't you think about in your own bed or during the day? You do realize this is what's been keeping me awake!" Sirius was certain of it. Nothing else was different; nothing else would have caused him to wake up at the same time every night. "Do you come out here every night?"

"Yes," said Remus.

"Around three in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Sometimes earlier, sometimes later?"

"Yes."

"You _knew_ you were keeping me up?"

"I had a shrewd idea," said Remus. "But I wasn't certain."

"Are you bloody serious?"

"No, you are," joked Remus feebly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep you awake; I just can't stay asleep either. I need to come out here to… clear my mind."

"Are you alright?" asked Sirius, annoyance ebbing and worry taking its place. Remus chuckled.

"I am ever?" he asked, a tinge of misery in his voice.

"I thought so," said Sirius. "I thought… we helped…"

"You do," said Remus. "You, especially. You help the most. But you're also the one thing that undoes me every time. You're the reason I'm awake." He chuckled darkly. "I keep you awake, and you keep me awake. If that meant what I'd like it to, I'd be the happiest bloke on the planet. I'd take five transformations in a row for that."

"What?" asked Sirius, thoroughly confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, Sirius."

"No, something," Sirius insisted. "I'm keeping you awake? Why?"

"I can't tell you. You won't like it."

"I don't care," said Sirius. "Tell me anyway. I didn't like it when James said he had a date with Lily, but I managed to get over that."

"I'm always awake," said Remus, turning to look at Sirius, his eyes blazing with a multitude of emotions that Sirius could not quite read, "because I'm thinking about you."

"What about me?" asked Sirius. "Am I bothering you? I know I get annoying sometimes, but I don't mean to. I can change whatever's bugging you."

"Nothing is… _bothering_ me," said Remus, laughing, but it sounded unhappy. "God, this is impossible. I can't tell you this, Sirius. You aren't going to get it unless I tell you it straight out, and I don't think I can."

"You can," Sirius persisted. "If I can explain the Animagus transformation spells to Wormtail, you can tell me this. Can you show me?" Remus looked at him, startled.

"I – I _can_ ," said Remus. His voice sounded like a combination of hope, fear, and something else – something unnamable, just like the emotion Sirius had when he woke up. "But you won't like it. You'll probably hate me." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Remus, you could kill Peter and I wouldn't hate you," he said. "And I like that bloke more than you'd think. I might hate you if you killed James, but only for a few days." Remus laughed shakily. His hands were twitching nervously. "Look, if you can show me," Sirius said, "do it. I don't care what it is."

Remus looked Sirius in the eyes for a long moment. Sirius saw his eyes become determined, but terrified. Remus moved toward Sirius slowly, until they were inches apart.

_What is Remus doing?_ Sirius wondered. Remus placed his hands on either side of Sirius' face, looked into his eyes again, and Sirius saw something he'd never once seen in his friend's human face before. Want. Lust. Need.

And then Remus captured Sirius' lips with his own. Sirius was an outlet, and he could feel every emotion going through Remus right then and there. He felt his own heart speed up with fear and exhilaration, his brain exploding with a sensory overload, his hands gripping his friend tightly to him. He felt the _need,_ the _hope,_ the _please don't hate me_ in Remus' mind.

And then Sirius realized what was going on. He and Remus were kissing on the balcony outside their dorm room at three in the morning and he was very, very cold, but very, very hot. He pulled away from Remus, gasping for breath.

Sirius had kissed several girls, enough to call himself experienced. And he had never felt like that _once_ with _one_ of those girls. That had been something completely new, and he had no idea of what to think of it.

Remus stood there, gasping along with Sirius. Sirius saw that Remus had pulled all of his emotions back, bottled them up inside. He wasn't letting Sirius see how important it was to him, but simply by trying to hide it, Sirius saw that this moment had the potential to define them both.

"So," began Sirius, but found he had nowhere to go from there. He tried again. "So…"

"So," repeated Remus. "So, what?"

"I don't know."

"Can you figure it out?" asked Remus, averting his eyes to the ground. Sirius could see the rising blush, and again, he felt the onslaught of Remus' emotions. Fear was the most prominent, along with embarrassment and, Sirius noted with annoyance, self-loathing.

"I'm not sure," he said, still struck dumb. "I… wasn't expecting that."

"I'm sorry," said Remus, and he turned to go back into the dormitory.

"Wait," said Sirius. "Wait." Remus stopped immediately and looked at Sirius with a hope dancing so brightly in his eyes that Sirius felt burned. "I – You should know, I don't hate you. You're still Remus. I just need to process a little. I need to… think."

Remus' face didn't quite fall, but the hope in his eyes dimmed. He nodded and hurried back into the dormitory. Sirius stayed out on the balcony for another hour. After coming to no conclusion, Sirius went back to bed and wished, for the briefest of moments, that he had stayed in bed after all.

 

//

 

The next week was awkward, to say the least. Remus and Sirius spoke uncomfortably. Once, James asked what the problem was to Sirius quietly, and Sirius just said that it was something he needed to figure out for himself.

Sirius was fairly certain that James asked Remus as well, but had no clue what Remus could have possibly said back. He hoped it wasn't the truth, because he really didn't want or need James' advice here. This was a place James had never been, never thought of, and never would be. James did _not_ know what to do, and Sirius didn't want to hear him preach as though he did know. It was one of James Potter's few flaws – he was a bit of a know-it-all.

Sirius spent the week preceding the full moon, semi-avoiding Remus, semi-trying to get closer to him to figure out what to do. It was a hard line to walk. Remus, for his part, grew more agitated with everyone as each day passed – everyone but Sirius. He kept as away from Sirius as possible, never glancing at him, never quite ignoring him either. While out on the grounds one evening, James and Sirius were standing together, looking out over the lake and talking. When Remus and Peter caught up with them, Peter stood between Sirius and James, and then Remus stood between Peter and Sirius. Remus wasn't ignoring him, but he wasn't acknowledging him either. For some reason, this bothered Sirius. It bothered him enough to stupidly mention it to James.

" _You're_ mad that he's ignoring _you_?" said James, letting out some of his own frustration.

"I just said he wasn't ignoring me," said Sirius crossly, regretting telling James. "I said he wasn't _acknowledging_ me."

"Look," said James, and Sirius saw the beginning of a lecture coming, and he wasn't interested.

"Save the speech, Jim," said Sirius. "Trust me, you're just out of your depth on this one, and I'm not telling you yet. I'm figuring this out before I tell anyone." James glared, but fell silent.

On the morning of the full moon, Sirius got down to breakfast rather early for him. He hadn't been sleeping better, which told him that Remus was still getting up each night. (Sirius got another hint the first five nights when he got out of bed to check.) It annoyed Sirius that Remus was still getting up even though he knew it messed up Sirius' sleep, so when he got to breakfast, he was not in the best of moods.

_At this rate, I'll be back in the Hospital Wing in a couple days,_ he thought, irritated. It was a Saturday, which usually meant that Remus was up first, then James, then Sirius, and then Peter. But today, just like the last several weeks, was an exception. Sirius was up first. He glanced between Remus' curtains before heading down to breakfast to see him asleep in his bed, and Sirius gave himself a satisfied nod. _If I can't sleep, I just hope he can_ , he thought softly.

Sirius sat down at the table, and breakfast appeared around him. He grabbed a few waffles, butter, and syrup and dug in. Whenever Sirius was alone, it was easier to think about this whole situation. When other people were around, they'd ask what he was thinking about or what he was staring at, and Remus would look away and close his eyes, and Sirius would have to lie, something he didn't like to do much. (Unless it had to do with a prank, of course.)

Sirius had contemplated himself and his thoughts and his feelings so many times in the preceding week that he wasn't even sure he knew his own name anymore. He sighed, and tried _not_ to think about Remus for a moment, but it proved nearly impossible.

The worst, and yet best, times were when he contemplated on that kiss. He had admitted to himself once, in the dead of night, when Remus was outside in the cold, that he wouldn't mind doing it again. He had quickly shoved the thought away, but it had persistently shoved back and refused to be quieted. 

Finally having had enough thought and breakfast, Sirius turned in his seat to see Remus walk in, looking rather panicked. Another boy followed him in a moment later, an angry, dead-set look on his face. Remus hadn't made it three more steps before this boy spun him around and grabbed his upper arms in a vice grip. Sirius could almost feel Remus wince from across the Hall.

The Hall was almost empty, save for Sirius, a couple Ravenclaws, who were studying, and a Hufflepuff couple, who were so completely absorbed with each other, they wouldn't have noticed if Voldemort himself blew up the Hall around them. So no one, save Sirius, noticed the very angry young man threatening another young man across the Hall. Sirius was on his feet immediately, running over towards Remus, whose back was rigid with fear.

Sirius didn't understand. Why wasn't Remus fighting back? Was this other boy stronger than a werewolf? That was unlikely, but not impossible. Sirius was at their side in another moment, panting.

"Excuse me," he gasped, "but I'll have to ask you to take your hands off my friend." The other boy glared at Sirius for a second, and bared his teeth in what seemed to be an attempt at a smile. His canines were particularly sharp, Sirius noted with a sudden lurch of nerves in his stomach. He felt less sure, but didn't let it show. He was a Black, after all. Sirius' posture didn't flinch from confident, but moved up to haughty, looking down his nose at this tall, largely muscled stranger.

Finally, the boy's hands loosened around Remus' arms, and surprisingly, Remus rubbed the spots as though they had actually hurt.

"My apologies," said the boy, his voice a raspy growl, with a thick German accent. Sirius stayed in character, though. He nodded curtly at the boy, took Remus' shoulder, and steered him towards the Gryffindor table. Remus was shaking next to him, and once they had sat down, he broke down completely.

He gasped for air, banged his fist on the table once or twice, trying to regain control of his fear. Sirius could not understand, but he rubbed Remus' back, trying to calm him down. He needed the whole story. But Remus was not in any state to tell him for nearly ten minutes.

When Remus had finally regained control of himself, he put his face in his hands and breathed deeply. "Thank you," he said tightly. "I never thought he'd come to Hogwarts after me."

"You do realize you've got to tell me what just happened," Sirius stated bluntly. Remus nodded into his hands.

"You won't like it," he said. Sirius smiled a bit, but said nothing.

"Well, let's hear it," he said. Remus sighed, and pulled his face from his hands.

"That was Karl Wildtier. He's… another werewolf. I met him last summer. We were a bit… involved. He visited once over the summer, after I met him in Germany when I went there with my parents. My parents thought he was great, another werewolf friend for me." Remus rolled his eyes. "I didn't like how they said that, like I'm a pet. I know they don't think that way, but it sounded that way. Anyway, we were pretty much… together. We've been writing since school began, but then I –" Remus stopped for a moment. "I forgot about him for almost a whole month, because I was… distracted. And when I wrote back to him, I told him that I had found… someone else…" Remus trailed off vaguely, even though both of them knew certainly whom he was talking about. "I suppose he didn't take it too well. I can't believe he came all the way to England."

"Shouldn't he be at the Deutsche Schule der Magie?" asked Sirius, his bubbling fury barely concealed. Remus flinched at his tone.

"He's… nineteen. He's out of school. I met him at – um – a shelter in Germany, where I went for my transformation. There were a couple other guys there, but they were all way older, so Karl and I started talking. He knew English and I know some German, so it all worked out."

"Yes, it certainly looked that way," snapped Sirius. He couldn't quite pinpoint why he was so angry. How could Remus trust someone outside their group so implicitly? Had he learned nothing? Did he understand how dangerous the magical world was at this point in history? Didn't he know that they couldn't trust outsiders right now? Why didn't Remus tell them about this guy, this Karl Wildtier? Why was he hiding himself, even though they'd all proven they loved him no matter what? Why had Karl Wildtier come here to hurt Remus?

This final question bubbled to Sirius' lips and it slipped between them before he had really chosen what to ask first.

"Why did he come here? Why did he hurt you?" Remus sighed.

"I broke up with him," said Remus. "He wanted to talk me out of it, I suppose. He wrote to me once, and I wrote back with another apology and another no. He kept telling me that I couldn't trust the humans, that they would betray me, and that he never would." Sirius' heart stung. He doubted that Remus was trying to allude to The Incident, but it certainly seemed that way. His anger doubled.

"Well, they won't," he snarled. "If you think that along with him, you should just go follow him. Build a werewolf colony or something."

"Sirius," said Remus, surprised, "I just told you. I broke up with him because…" He stopped and blushed.

"Yeah, well, it seems to me like you'd rather be with your own kind," said Sirius, standing up. A very, very small part of Sirius knew he was being irrational. He knew that the entire situation pointed to Remus wanting to stay with the Marauders, and with Sirius, but Sirius' sudden hatred for Karl Wildtier and everything to do with him was overwhelming. There was no time for rational thought. Remus had to know what he thought of that tall, stupid jerk.

Remus looked hurt, and called after Sirius as he walked away. Sirius hoped that Remus got the message. He could choose his stupid werewolf friend, but Sirius wasn't going to deal with it. He could either have all of Sirius, or none of Sirius. And that was that.

That evening, after Remus was smuggled down to the Willow, James pulled Sirius aside.

"I heard you and Remus had a bit of an argument this morning," he muttered.

"Yeah, what about it?" asked Sirius, still in a bad mood.

"Remus thinks you aren't coming tonight," said James. "Are you?"

Sirius looked affronted. "Of course I'm _coming_ , Merlin. Just because Remus chooses everyone else over me doesn't mean –"

"Don't be a drama queen, Sirius," snapped James. "He chooses _no one_ over you. He told me about that Wildtier guy, and it sounded like that was the only time the guy ever got violent in any way. So Remus wasn't using you to duck out of an abusive relationship, he just likes you better! Why can't you get that through your thick skull?"

Sirius gaped.

"Since when do you know anything about that?" he asked, trying to make his voice sound snide, but he only managed shocked.

"I've _known_ for years!" said James. "Remus told me in fifth year. He gave up on you eventually, and that's when he met that Wildtier bloke. But then he came back to Hogwarts and saw you again and it was all for nothing, wasn't it?" Sirius stared as James ranted on. "And then you _told him_ to show you whatever was wrong, are you a complete idiot? If you're going to break his heart, just do it already, and don't lead him on anymore! He's going to crack soon unless you do something! And he's already preparing for it, especially after today, so make your damn choice, Sirius, because he can't take the wait much more!"

"It's not like I'm not taking this seriously!" sputtered Sirius. "I've been thinking about the whole bloody situation all bloody week!"

"So make a decision!" yelled James. "Now come on, we have to get Wormtail and get down to the Shack if we want to be there in time!"

James had known the whole time. Irritated, Sirius transformed into the great black dog and headed down the passage to the Shack.

There was no color in the darkness to be sapped from his eyes. Sirius' mind slowly became Padfoot's, less human, less complex. Padfoot agreed with Sirius – James was a right pain in the arse. He wanted nothing to do with that dumb stag all night.

On the way to the Shack, Padfoot's mind turned to the memories of Sirius' day. _Karl Wildtier_. A growl escaped from between Padfoot's teeth at the thought of him. Padfoot didn't like the young man who tried to take what was his. Because Remus – and the wolf both – were his. They were Padfoot's, they belonged to Sirius.

Understanding sparkled in the smallest part of Padfoot's mind that was Sirius, that was the human. It was something so simple, that he'd overlooked because of the many complexities that had to do with being human, and dealing with other humans.

Sirius could not sleep because something was missing. Remus had been missing from the dormitory bedroom. Sirius could tell because he was so very attuned to Remus, in every way. Karl Wildtier had Remus, even if only for a while. Sirius was angry because he felt threatened. What was his was in danger, and he refused to accept that. Sirius was so obviously in love with Remus Lupin, that Padfoot barked a laugh at the foolish human for not noticing it.

An elation that Padfoot and Sirius alike hadn't felt in a long time filled the chest of the dog. It was a startlingly human emotion, but the dog could feel it through him. Remus, the wolf, was not far away, and he was excited to see him, in either form. Padfoot pulled himself out of the hole in the floor to hear human screams of pain, dissolving into growls and whines.

Padfoot put his muzzle to the ground. He did not like to hear Remus in pain, ever. After the transformation was surely over, Padfoot bounded up the stairs to find him. Moony was curled up on the floor, so unlike its usual energetic self. Padfoot whined at him, and he looked up with surprisingly human eyes. It's sadness was a human's. Padfoot sauntered over to the wolf, and lowered his head in submission, but the wolf lowered his own head as well. Confused, Padfoot stood and moved forward.

The wolf rarely let anyone else be in charge, but apparently this month it was Padfoot's turn. Sometimes Prongs was allowed, but it was hardly ever anyone but Moony. Padfoot rubbed against Moony, letting him know that it was perfectly alright to stand. Moony gave him a look that was strange.

It looked as though it was Remus looking through the eyes of the wolf, and Remus was not looking at Padfoot. He was looking at Sirius.

 

//

 

In the Hospital Wing the next morning, Sirius was looking down at Remus' pale, sleeping face without a trace of confusion in his own. There was a small smile on his face, and James would glance at Sirius and roll his eyes every now and then. Peter was asleep with his head at Remus' knees.

When Sirius had transformed back from Padfoot, he had immediately burst out laughing. Remus had been asleep in the Shack, trembling a little from cold and pain, but Sirius could not help but laugh. James had given him dark looks as he laid a blanket over Remus, and then immediately pulled him out into the dirty hallway by the scruff of his neck.

_What are you laughing at?_ he had snarled.

_Padfoot told me the answer,_ Sirius had responded, still laughing. _I was such a bloody idiot. Padfoot knows everything. You know how when you're an animal, facts are just facts? There's nothing too complicated about anything? Well, Padfoot told me that I was angry about Karl Wildtier because I'm in love with Remus and didn't know it. And I remember, when I walked away from Remus after arguing with him about that Wildtier bloke, I told myself Remus could have all of me or none of me. I knew it, but I didn't know it._ He laughed again. _Isn't that hilarious?_

James had stared at him as though he were mental, but did not respond.

And so they had all ended up here, waiting for Remus to awaken. Sirius, chuckling every now and again, James, rolling his eyes at his friend, and Peter, snoozing on Remus' bed in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.

Around noon, when Remus still hadn't woken up, James and Peter left to grab some lunch and promised to bring Sirius some. As the door closed, Remus stirred. Sirius chuckled. Perfect!

He moaned a little, but Sirius let him slowly awaken. He didn't want to startle him _too_ much.

Remus' eyes opened slowly, and then shut immediately at the sunlight streaming in through the window. Sirius pulled out his wand and quickly conjured a set of curtains.

"Thanks," whispered Remus, his voice raspy from screaming.

"No problem," said Sirius smoothly. He could hear the grin in his own voice. Remus noticed it as well, and looked up at him in surprise.

"Where are –" he began, but Sirius cut him off.

"Just left to get some food. Don't talk, you'll hurt your voice," he said. "At least until Madame Pomfrey gives you that one potion, alright?" Remus nodded. Sirius grinned. "Good, that means I can talk and you can just listen. Sound good?" Sirius did not wait for a response, but delved in immediately.

"First, I'm sorry I got all angry with you yesterday. I was just feeling a little threatened." Sirius grinned. "Second, because if you have a first, you must have a second, as McGonagall has told me a thousand times, I have come to a final decision about us."

Remus' eyes went wide and he opened him mouth to talk, but Sirius cut him off again before he began.

"You may wonder," he said loudly, "how I came to this decision overnight, especially when overnight was spent as a dog, running around after a wolf. Well, I can tell you that being a dog is the precise reason how I came to a decision. As you know, Padfoot thinks in a much less complex fashion than the great Sirius Black, sitting here before you. Well, Padfoot informed me that I've actually been rather in love with you the whole time." Sirius heard Madame Pomfrey bustling around. She had obviously heard Sirius talking, and assumed (correctly) that Remus was now awake. He began to speed up, butterflies attacking his stomach even though he knew perfectly well what Remus' answer would be. "So, you can thank Padfoot for this. And you can thank me, for creating Padfoot. And you can thank you, for needing me to create Padfoot. So there you go. You can have all of me, if you want it."

Remus' eyes were shining, and it seemed as though he could not speak, which worked out simply wonderfully for his raspy throat. He just nodded, biting his lip. He slumped back against his pillows, staring at Sirius. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to talk again, but Madame Pomfrey bustled in between them and started shoving healing potion after healing potion down his throat. Sirius just grinned.

By the time Remus was done taking his potions, James and Peter had returned with enough food to feed a small army. The hailed Remus happily, shoving the chocolate half of their food onto his lap.

Together, the four of them sat together, eating and talking and laughing, and Remus kept shooting Sirius overjoyed looks that made Sirius' own heart soar.

 

//

 

"Ah, Sirius, wait!" Remus shuffled a bit to readjust himself on Sirius' bed. Sirius groaned.

"Come _on_ , Remus," he said, running a finger over Remus' spine. "You are so damn picky."

"I know," said Remus, shivering a little. "But you love me for it." Sirius grinned. He thought it was adorable when Remus fished for reassurances, because Sirius was always happy to give them.

"Yes, I do," he said, kissing Remus lightly on the nose. Remus laughed quietly.

It was the middle of the night, around three in the morning, and neither of the two boys was sleeping. They were far too busy sharing slow, sweet kisses to think about something as unimportant as a good night's sleep.

Remus leaned in a kissed him chastely, but Sirius didn't want chaste. They'd been doing chaste for a couple weeks now, and he was completely prepared to take it a little farther. He put one of his hands up to Remus' face, and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss, laying the other hand on Remus' lower back. He felt Remus jump a little beside him, and he smiled against Remus' mouth. He pressed himself against Remus' body, feeling the heat radiating off him. He wrapped an arm around Remus' waist, pulling him as close as he could.

Remus' breath hitched. He pulled away from Sirius, and for one terrifying moment, Sirius thought that Remus did not like what he was doing. But he looked into Remus' face, and he saw nothing but excitement and total happiness there. Sirius grinned, relieved, and wrapped his leg around Remus' waist now, lifting his arm and hand up Remus' loose bed shirt.

Remus gasped again, but this time, Sirius noticed that his name was thrown in along with the air.

Remus was gasping his name.

Sirius felt himself get so hard he couldn't even breathe for a moment. He kissed Remus so hard then that he couldn't actually think about anything else. He heard himself whispering Remus' name, and he felt Remus get just as hard against him.

Sirius groaned, but Remus quickly silenced him with a hard, sharp kiss. He felt everything Remus did, only this time it wasn't a mirror. This time, he was feeling it all for himself. When his heartbeat quickened, it was because Remus' hands were doing mad things on him. When his mind went blank except for screaming _Remus_ , it wasn't because he was surprised Remus was kissing him. It was because Remus' tongue was on his neck, and the sensation was unsurpassable.

He had never felt anything quite like this before. It was as though Remus was an extension of him, almost another limb, but a sexy limb that he liked to snog as often as possible. What he felt for Remus was more than affection or love. It was another unnamable emotion, and Sirius didn't want to name it. He just wanted to experience it, with Remus.


End file.
